Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688 and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other
 planet we communicate with. I'm telling you this place is great. But it almost wasn't. 700 years ago, the two great ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path the basis of ou
r society will be in danger. Don't worry, it'll all make sense. Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Ted: And I'm Ted ''Theo… Oh! Bill, here take it. Bill: Okay. Ted: And I'm Ted ''Theodore'' Logan. Bill: Yeah! Both: And we're Wyld Stallyns. Bill: Oh, Dude! Let's bail. We 
blew it. I guess we used too much power. Ted, while I agree that in time our band will be most triumphant, the truth is Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar. Ted: Yes Bill, but I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until 
we have a triumphant video. Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments. Ted: Well how can we have decent instruments when we really don't even know how to play. Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen. Ted: And that is wh
y we need a triumphant video. Both: Excellent. Bill: Uh-oh. We're late. Ted: For what? Bill: For school, dude. Ted: Oh yeah. Mr. Ryan: Bill, I'm waiting. Bill: He's dead? Mr. Ryan: So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude. Bill
: Well yeah. Ted: You totally blew it, dude. Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up. Ted: Stand up? Mr. Ryan: Yes son, stand up. Now, who was Joan of Arc? Ted: Noah's wife? Mr. Ryan: Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow. Final Reports, 1:30-3:30, okay? Hey guys. Bill: Mr. Ryan, before yo
u say anything, my distinguished colleague Ted and I wish to express to you our thanks for all the things we have learned in your class. Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned? Bill: We have, uh…we've learned that the world has a great history. Ted: Yes, and that thanks to l
eaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history. Mr.Ryan: It seems to me that the only thing you have learned is that Caesar was a salad dressing dude. Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of th
is class. Now unless you get an A+ on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now you know your topics so I would at least suggest that you cover those areas. Do you understand? Both: Yes sir. Mr.Ryan: Guys. Your report had be
tter be something very special. Ted: Bill, what are we supposed to know for our report? Bill: I'm not sure. One thing I know is that Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife. Ted: Well then who is Noah's wife? Bill: I dunno, Ted. But I do know that we're in serious trouble. Listen 
to this. Express to the class how an important historical figure from each of your time periods would view the world of San Dimas, 1988. We're in danger of flunking most heanously tomorrow, Ted. Missy: Hi, Bill. Wanna a ride? Bill: Sure Missy. I mean, Mom. Ted: You're ste
p-mom's cute. Bill: Shut up, Ted! Ted: Remember when she was a Senior and we were Freshman? Bill: Shut up, Ted! Ted: I'll be right back, as soon as I get my books. Captain Logan: Ted. Ted: What are you doing home, dad? Captain Logan: I'm looking for my keys. Ted: Oh? Capt
ain Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have you? Ted: No, sir. Captain Logan: I spoke with your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing History. Ted: Me and Bill… Captain Logan: He also said that if you fail History you flunk out of school, and you know what
 that would mean Ted? Ted: That I would have to go to Oats Military Academy, sir. Captain Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Col. Oats this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted. Ted: Dude, we gotta pass. Otherwise there's no more band. Bill: Why? Ted: My dad's sending me to Mili
tary School. Bill: Where? Ted: Alaska. Head Leader: It is time. Their separation is imminent. Rufus: Be excellent to each other. Head Leader: Party on, dude! Bill: Okay Ted. George Washington. One - the father of our country. Ted: Two - born on President's Day. Bill: Thre
e - the dollar bill guy. Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? Bill: Ted, Alaska… Ted: Okay. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick. Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude. Ted: Oh wait. Remember Disneyworld, The Hall of Presidents. Bill: Yeah, good, what'd he say? Te
d: ''Welcome to the Hall of Presidents.'' Missy: Hi, I brought you guys some food. Ted: It's you're mom, dude! Mr. Preston: How's it going guys? Both: Bad! Bill: We are destined to flunk most agregiously tomorrow. Ted: And I am destined to end up at Oats Military Academy.
 Bill: And then we'll never start our band. Mr. Preston: Good. Good. Missy: What are you guys studying anyway? Ted: History. Missy: Mr. Ryan? Ted: Uh-huh. Missy: Tell him, 'Hi'. Mr. Preston: Why don't you guys take a dinner break. Bill: Thanks, dad. Ted: Now you're dad's 
going for it. In your own room. Bill: Shut up Ted. Ted: Your step-mom is cute though. Bill: Shut up Ted. Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom? Bill: Shut up Ted! Ted: 1275…1275… Okay the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275. Bill: So
 it's not just a water sport, I knew it. Ted: Excuse me, when did the Monguls rule China? Cashier: I don't know. I just work here. Ted: Wanna try the Thrifty Mart. Bill: Sure. Both: Whoa! Not bad. Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends. Ted: Do you know when the Monguls r
uled China? Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask them. Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you with your History report. Ted: What? Bill: How? Ted: Bill? Bill: What? Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Bill2: Dudes, you g
uys are gonna go back in time. Ted2: Yeah! You are gonna have a most excellent adventure through History. Bill: Who are you guys? Ted2: We're you, dude. Ted: No way. No way! Ted2: Yes way, Ted! Bill2: Look, we know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were yo
u and we us said what we us are saying right now. Ted: Okay wait, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of? Bill2 & Ted2: 69, dudes! Bill & Ted: Whoa! Bill2: Look, we've gotta go. Ted2: Yeah, we gotta get back to the report. Rufus! Bill2: Listen to this d
ude, Rufus. He knows what he's talking about. Ted2: Right! And Ted, give my love to the Princesses. Ted: Who? Ted2: You'll see. Rufus: Gentleman…is everything all right? Ted2: Ted, don't forget to wide your watch! Bill2 & Ted2: Thanks Rufus. Bill2 & Ted2: Catch ya later, 
Bill and Ted. Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this? Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides we told ourselves to listen to this guy. Ted: What if we were lying?Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
 Ted: How are you gonna help us? Bill: Yeah, are you gonna call someone and get the answers? Rufus: Gentlemen, we're gonna do a lot more than that. Both: Whoa, excellent. Rufus: Brace yourselves amigos. Gentlemen, we're history. Ted: Rufus, where are we, dude? Rufus: Thes
e are the Circuits of History, gentlemen. They'll take us to any point in time we wish. Bill: How? Rufus: Modern technology, William. Both: Whoa. Bill: That was most unprecidented Rufus. Ted: Where are we, Rufus. Rufus: Austria, 1805, the French have just invaded. Ted: Bi
ll, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude! Rufus: Amigos, time to depart. Bill and Ted: How's it going dude? Napoleon: Blow them up! Move it! Ted: Now where are we, dude? Oh, it's my house. Bill: Rufus, can we go anywhere we want? In any time? Rufus: Gentlemen,
 you can do anything you want, as long as you remember this, no matter what happens, you must get to that report. Got it? All right amigos, that book will tell you the number of any place you want to go. Now, most important, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, 
that clock , the clock in San Dimas is always running. Got it? All right, time for me to go. Bill: What do you mean, Rufus? Ted: Yeah, aren't you coming with us? Rufus: Gentlemen, you're on your own. Bill: Ted, this has been a most unusual day. Bill: Ted, it's Napoleon. T
ed: Who? Bill: The short, dead dude from our History revue. Ted, I have a most excellent idea. Grabs his legs, let's get him inside. I think I've figured out a way to pass our report. Ted: How? Bill: Well we've got one historical figure here. Maybe we can go back and get 
some more. Ted: Yeah! Ted: Deacon, you have to watch this guy. Hes a very famous French dude. Bill: We have decided to collect other important figures in History for an oral report we are doing. While we are gone you are not to let him out of your sight. Ted: Here is some
 money. Take him to the movies or something. Bill: Uh, Napoleon, I am Bill. We'll take you back to France after you tell us what you think of San Dimas. This is Ted's little brother, Deacon. Deacon: Hi. Bill: He'll take care of you. Ready Ted? Ted: Ready Bill. Bill: Let's
 go back into history. Bill:This should be most triumphant. Captain Logan: I want to speak with you son. Alone, please Bill. All right, sit down. What am I gonna do with you, huh? Bill: Great. Captain Logan: You lose my keys. You fail History. You spend all your time with
 your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning. Yes? Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station. Captain Logan: Deputy Van Halen? Bill: I'm new dude, uh, sir. Look, we found y
our keys, and if you want 'em you better come and get 'em. Captain Logan: When I get back from the station I want you packed and ready to go. Got it? Ted: We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tomorrow night. Bill: Only if we fail, dude. 
Both: No way! Ted: Okay, we got Sigmund Freud, Beethoven… Bill: Uh, is there one for Western Movement in America in the 19th Century? Ted: Yeah Bill: Well then, let's reach out and touch someone. Ted: How's it going, Old West Dude? Ted: Hey, Bill, this is just like Fronti
er Land. Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.Just try to act natural. Ted: Howdy partner. Man: Howdy. Bill: Oh, watch out for the horse crap, Ted. Ted: Oh, thanks dude. Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty. Bill: Me too. Bill: Two beers please. Ted: Whoa, he didn't even 
card us, dude! Bill: Yeah, we're gonna have to remember this place. So, who should we take with us? Bill: Who's he? Bartender: He's Billy the Kid. Ted: He's famous, dude. Bill: Let's bag him. Billy: I need two men. Who's with me? Ted: We're with you Billy the Kid. Billy: 
Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep. Both: Sounds good Mr. The Kid. Bill: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me. Bill: Whoa! Three aces! Man: What the hell's going on here, Billy? Man2: Are you cheating us, Kid? Billy: Cheatin'? Me? No! Bill: Lo
ok, we're totally weak. We can't possibly fight you. Ted: However, how would you gentlemen like free passes to Waterloo. Home of excellent water slides. Bill: Nice try, dude. Ted: Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp. Bill: I can't believe they fell for that! Men in the bar: Let
's get 'em!! Billy: You guys saved my life. Ted: Nothing doing Billy the Kid. Billy: Where we going? Ted: The Golden Age of Civilization. Billy: Where? Bill: Ancient Greece, dude. Ted: Don't worry, we'll bring you back as soon as you talk in our report. Billy: What?! Bill
: Socrates. Hey, we know that name. Ted: Yeah. Hey, look him up. Oh, it's under So-crates. Bill: Oh yeah. So-crates: The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing. Ted: That's us, dude! Bill: Oh yeah. Let's bag him. Socrates: So you see, our lives are but
 specks of dust falling through the fingers of time. Bill: How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future. Socrates: Socrates…hmmm. Ted: Now what? Bill: I dunno, philosophize with him. Ted: All we are is dust in the wind, dude. Dust. Wind. Ted: Dude. Socrate
s: Yes, like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Bill: Let's get out of here, dude. Bill: All right! Billy: Not bad, eh Socrates? Where are we dudes? Bill: England, 15th Century. Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report. Bill: Yeah, all we need
 is one more speaker from Medieval. Billy: Excellent. Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease. Excuse me. Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here? All: Whoa! Ted: Check it out. Bill: I
t must be the castle of King Henry. Let's go, dude! Ted: Billy, watch the booth. And keep an eye on Socrates. Billy: Socrates. Bill: So, who should be get from Medieval? How about that knarly old goat dude? Ted? Ted: I'm in love, dude. Bill: Whoa. Those must be the Prince
sses you told yourself about at the CircleK. We gotta go, it's a history report, not a babe report. Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes. Bill: Okay, you're the ladies man, how we gonna meet 'em? Ted:Excellent. Bill? Bill: What? Ted: These are heavy. Bill: Yeah, heav
y metal. Bill: Whoa, we gotta go find the princesses. Ted: Yeah. Bill: Watch it! Bill: Who turned out all the lights? Ted: Hey, Bill? Bill: What? Ted: I'm Darth Ted. Bill: Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill. And you're not my father. Bill: Come on! Ted: Hey! I totally conquered you
, dude! Bill: No way! Come on! I'll never rule the Universe with you. Ted: Hey Bill… you totally know how to sword fight. Bill: Ted. Guard: Search the castle, their might be more of them. Bill: Get outta here! Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Oh, Ted, don't be dead, d
ude. You killed Ted you medieval dickweed! Ahhh! Bill: Whoa! Ted, you're alive! Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor. Both: Fag! Bill: Dude, you totally boned that dude in the head. Ted: Yeah! He's a total bonehead. Elisabeth: Boys. I can't believe they'r
e here. Both: How's it going ladies? Elisabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle. Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas and I bring to you a message of love. Elisabeth: From who? Ted: From…from myself. Elisabeth: And what is this message you speak of? Ted: Uh… Bill: Lyr
ics, dude. Recite 'em some lyrics. Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time…Will you go to the Prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time. Bill: Way to go, dude. King: Flora. Elisabeth. Elisabeth: It's father! B
ill: What does your father want? Flora: We're to be married to horrible old men today. Ted: No way! Elisabeth: Will you help us escape? Bill and Ted: Of course, babes. Bill: How's it going royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston. Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted. King: Pu
t them in the Iron Maiden. Bill and Ted: Iron Maiden? Excellent. King: Execute them! Elisabeth: Oh no! Bill and Ted: Bogus. Ted: We'll save you babes! Peasant: Witches. Heretics! I saw them! They fell from the sky! Heretics! They fell out of the sky! They had fire in thei
r eyes, and they had horns! King: Off with their heads! Ted: Bill. Bill: What? Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn. Bill and Ted: Huh? Bill: Billy! Ted: Socrates! King: Guards! Stop them! Bill: Catch you later, evil dudes. King: Catch t
hem! Ted: Dial fast, dude! Operator: I'm sorry, the number you've dialed is not in service at this time. Please check your directory and dial again. Bill: Oh no. Operator: Party on, dude! Ted: Bill! Bill: Okay, I got one, let's go! Bill: You guys stay here. Ted: Where are
 we, dude? Bill: I don't know. They sure do play excellent music. Ted: Most outstanding. Head Leader: It's you. Ted: Yeah! It's us! Who are we? Ted: I think they want us to say something. Bill: What should I say? Ted: Make something up. Bill: Be excellent to each other. T
ed: Party on, dudes! Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report. Ted: Yeah, we'd take you with us. But it's a history report, not a future report. Bill: Later. Everyone: Later. Ted: Come on, let's get back and do our report. Bill: Yeah. Ted: Dude, where're we going? Bill
: I don't know. I think the booth's broke. We gotta keep going to San Dimas until we get back and get Napoleon. ZP Employee: Behold. Behold, the Ziggy Pig. The single greatest ice cream spectacle known to man. ZP Employees: Eat the pig. Eat the pig. Ziggyziggyziggyzig. Na
poleon: Un barton. Deacon: It's ice cream. You eat it. Napoleon: Le glace? Deacon: Whatever, just eat it. ZP Employee: All behold, he ate the pig. Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy. Ted: What's that? Bill: I don't know. Both: Shit!! Ted: Where
'd we land now? Bill: Dude, it's Sigmund Freud. How much time have we got left. Ted: Tons! Why? Bill: Extra credit, dude! Ted: How's it going, Freud dude? Sigmund: Am I dreaming? Sigmund: Ah, ah desist. Let go of me. What are you doing? Ted: Welcome aboard Ms. Joan of Arc
. I'm Ted, and this is Bill. Ted: Would you like a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please. Mmmmm. Man: Candygram. Ted: We've got plenty of time, but we don't have any more room left. Bill: Ted, we're outta control. Ted: What? Bill: The next place we stop we gotta try and figur
e out what's wrong with the booth. Ted: Bill, I think I got an idea what's wrong. Bill: What? Ted: The antenna's broken. Napoleon: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Deacon: Come on, let's ditch him. Napoleon: Excuse moi, mister. Owner: No, no, not so fast there buddy. Napoleo
n: Buddy? Owner: You ain't paid yet. Napoleon: Pay? Owner: Pay? Owner: I don't want to see you around here anymore. Beat it. Napoleon: Owner: Beat it, buddy! Napoleon: Idiot! Ted: Here is a treat to make a minor prehistoric pit stop a bit more enjoyable. Lincoln: Thank yo
u. Bill: Uh-oh. Bill: Thanks guys. I sure hope this works. Ted: I think it's working dude. Ted: Hey! That's us. We're back in San Dimas. Bill: Yeah, only now it's not now. It's last night. Ted: Dude. Bill: What? Ted: Let's go talk to ourselves. Bill: Excellent. Ted: What'
ll we say anyway? Bill: I dunno…let's go find out. Bill & Ted: 69, dudes! Bill2 & Ted2: Whoa! Bill: Look dudes, we gotta go. Ted: Rufus! Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about. Ted: Right. Oh, and Ted, give my love to the Princesses. Ted2: Who? 
Ted: You'll see. Rufus: Gentlemen, is everything all right? Bill: Yeah, except how come the number for San Dimas brought us here instead of to tomorrow, Rufus. Rufus: Because in San Dimas it is tomorrow, William. You have to dial one number higher. Bill: Oh yeah, thanks R
ufus. Rufus: And you better hurry, because you don't have much time left. Ted: What do you mean, Rufus? We got ten hours left. Rufus: Uh-uh, you got 2 hours left. Bill: Ted you forgot to wind your watch again. Even after you reminded yourself not to. Ted: Well I better re
mind myself again. Ted, don't forget to wind your watch! Bill & Ted: Thanks Rufus. Catch ya later Bill and Ted. Ted: That convers